Downtime as a Service. Other providers promise five nines. We give none, every time. The only platform with a contractually guaranteed 0.000% uptime SLA. When you need nothing, we're not there.
Real-time monitoring of our full stack. If anything below ever turns green, please report it so we can take it back down.
Every feature engineered to the highest standard of total absence. Rigorously untested in production, because there is no production.
Legally binding. If we are ever up, you get a full refund and a written apology from our founder.
Our maintenance window runs continuously since 2021. We schedule it years in advance so nothing surprises you.
Our engineers carry pagers with no batteries. Mean time to acknowledgment holds steady at infinity, quarter after quarter.
Every endpoint returns Not Found. Nothing has ever completed a request, keeping our error rate at a flawless, industry-leading 100%.
The most private platform on earth. We cannot leak what we never stored, on servers we never bought.
Our infrastructure draws zero watts, because there is no infrastructure. The greenest cloud is the one that was never built.
Full transparency. Every deviation from total downtime is investigated, documented, and deeply regretted.
A misconfigured load balancer returned "200 OK" to one (1) request. We sincerely apologize. The responsible server has been unplugged, shipped to a warehouse, and lost.
A frontend deploy accidentally shipped optimism. Rolled back immediately. We have added a linter rule banning the color green from the codebase.
Investigation revealed the customer had connected to a competitor by mistake. No action needed on our side, which is our specialty.
Root cause identified: this is the product. No fix is planned. Next update: never.
"Since switching to No Nines Given we've had zero unexpected downtime. It's all expected now. My pager hasn't gone off in fourteen months."
"We migrated our entire legacy platform to No Nines Given in one afternoon. Nobody noticed. Honestly, nobody noticed the legacy platform either."
"Their support team has never once responded to my tickets. That level of consistency is impossible to find anywhere else."
Simple, predictable billing. Invoices are the only thing we deliver on time.
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